


バチェラー・ジャパン (Bachelor JAPAN)

by F_S



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: "Reality" TV, Gay bachlor, M/M, Set in 2024, Victor is in Love, Yuuri is as emotionally available as a frozen slice of bread, and it's totally fine the bachelor is having a gay season, or that the Bachlor Japan is even a thing, phichit is the director
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2018-02-02
Packaged: 2019-03-12 15:23:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13550124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/F_S/pseuds/F_S
Summary: Undisputed cinnamon roll, unknowing figure head of the Japanese LGBTQI movement, world-renowned psychologist, dean at the University of Tokyo, man on a first name bases with the Prime Minister… one Dr. Katsuki Yuuri gets blackmailed into being the sacrificial lamb for the reality television slaughter. Victor may or may not promises his left kidney and firstborn to the director.





	バチェラー・ジャパン (Bachelor JAPAN)

**Author's Note:**

> It might be better for your sanity to think of this as a comedic one-shot.

Yuuri hides his head in his hands and groans. His elbows dig into the thick layer of paper that eternally covers his desk, his fingers have gone under the gold wire rimmed glasses he is never without, and under his breath he is counting to ten.

When he opens his eyes, the camera crew is still there. Phichit is standing in front, a large boom microphone in one hand and a bag full of take-out in the other. The Thai director blinks innocently at Yuuri, as if barging into his university office unannounced on a Friday afternoon with a film crew was something normal people did all the time.

“Just what is all this about?” Yuuri whines, eyes narrowing at his best friend. Pleading mentally for there to be some good, decent, simple explanation. ‘oh them? They were just leaving Yuuri~!’ ‘Came to film your interesting collection of dying pot plants Yuuri~’ ‘Who? Argh! I told you guys to stop following me, can’t you see I’m trying to spend some quality time with my bestie here? No cameras! Shoo!”

Instead Phichit giggles like a lunatic and shoves the microphone into the air above Yuuri. He feels the training of a camera on his face like one feels the scope of a sniper, and a cold chill runs through him.

“Yuuri Katsuki, you’ve just been accepted as the heart-breaking, handsome, oh _so gorgeous_ bachelor for next season of The Bachelor Japan!! How do you feel!”

Yuuri’s hands desperately grope across his sea of academic papers and shopping lists, going bright red in rage (yes, definitely rage, he is not embarrassed or ruffled at Phichit’s words, he does not religiously follow the bachelor and bachelorette shows as a guilty pleasure – no, he stopped all that two seasons ago, thank you very much!)

“What are you talking about?!” He hisses, glasses slightly falling down his nose as he jolts upright in his chair.

“Feast your eyes on Japan’s Bachelor for 2024. A world-wide respected academic, social media darling, great with kids, dogs, and great in the kitchen, he’s got a-“ Phichit’s bright piece to camera was interrupted by Yuuri throwing a pen at the back of his head.

“Phichit!!! Explain _immediately,”_ Yuuri’s eyes dart to the cameras, “…please.” He amends. That gets him a beaming smile.

“Such a gentlemen. Our contestants are going to be some lucky fellas, am I right? Recently turned thirty, our bachelor has been in a relationship slump since 2020. Work and travel consumes this distinguished doctor’s life, even his plants have to suffer the toll his hectic schedule takes.”

Phichit - using some moves lifted straight from the interpret dance classes they attended back in college - gestures forlornly at Yuuri’s perfectly fine plants. It’s winter, they’re just hibernating or whatever. Their fine. The camera zooms in on a certain fern who was currently blossoming into a beautiful bronze.

“Those comments are highly inappropriate. If this is ever seeing the light of d-“

“But this can’t continue! Is our sweet workaholic doing all this just to fill the empty space in his life, namely, romantic life? I think so! Katsuki, anything you would like to add?” A microphone is shoved right against his nose. Yuuri reels and smacks his head into the back of his chair.

“No comment!” He speaks with great authority. “Get out of my office… please.”

They stay for an hour, hovering around him like vultures and insisting he ‘just act naturally’ and ‘pretend we’re not ever here’ as they try to get footage of him working at his desk. Phichit leans against the wall and scoffs down his take-out while finally explaining the situation.

“Handsome, single, right age, right income, respectable, but still somewhat cheeky, has some sort of media presence that isn’t too scandalous, and is openly gay? Do you know how hard it is to find someone like that! The development team was putting out feelers for _months_ before I came across the project, and I thought… well, I screamed it to them, actually… that I know the perfect guy! So I signed you up straight away, and the department took one look at you and said ‘that’s our guy’, ‘this is our bachelor for 2024’, and I grabbed the nearest crew and came straight here to start filming.” Phichit puntuacted his last words by jabbing his chop sticks in Yuuri’s direction.

“I’m not doing this. I refuse.” Phichit just smiled and shovelled more noodles into his mouth.

“No. You’re doing this Yuuri. Please~ if not for me than for you. Come on, you can’t keep denying you’re lonely. Your breakdown on your birthday was enough for a wake-up call.”

“I thought we vowed never to bring that up again?” Yuuri screeched in shock of the most undignified night of his life being dragged out into the open in front of the nameless camera crew. “Denied. I’m perfectly happy as I am now, thank you very much. Denied, denied, denied. Bachelor acceptance? Denied.”

Phichit’s eyes took on a steely look as they gazed down into his box of noodles. The middle aged woman who had been hovering by the side of his desk looks up from her camera scope.

“Would you be able to sign something? It doesn’t have to be an actually document, I just want a grab of you looking like you’re signing some forms.” Yuuri jumps and immediately starts grabbing for some scrap paper.

“Y-yeah, sure, no problem.” He dutifully signs his name on the bottom of a page, across some notice about upcoming maintenance on the university website.

“Can you do it again, this time slower and more, ya know, naturally? Don’t be afraid to take a big breath and do it nice and slow. It makes the editor’s jobs easier to have that space, argh, extra time, around the main action.”

Yuuri gulped and nodded, staring at the paper in his hands but not seeing the words on it. The unblinking lenses of the two cameras in his office were as intimidating as velociraptors in Yuuri’s humble opinion.

Right. Naturally. Just sign it like you normally would. Yuuri pretends to read the paper a bit before giving it consideration and signing off at the bottom with upmost professionalism, before sitting it aside and picking up the one below it.

“Yep, good, thankyou.” She remarked off-handily as she turned the camera away and started fiddling with the contraption.

“See, look Yuuri, you’re a natural!” Yuuri balked.

“I would rarely call that ‘a natural’.”

“Hm, yes. Maybe not. But that wasn’t my point. No one is good with cameras right of the bat, you just learn as you go along. With each minute around them it gets easier and easier. Give you another hour or two and I bet you’ll have the camera eating out of the palm of your hand! Woooh! Bachlor ‘24, bachelor ‘24, bachelor ‘24~ nothing can stop us now Yuuri, we’re going to make this the most popular series in history!”

“I think not.”

_

Two weeks later, Yuuri is wasting time on youtube when a ten second add plays. He chokes on his mouthful of ice-cream as he registers what’s playing on his screen.

“The Bachelor Japan is back! We have our eligible bachelor, now we just need our contestants! But this season… everything… is going… to CHANGE.” The video playing is a darkened clip of his back as he walks down a hall. Yuuri remembers them shooting that. He had gotten up to get some tea and one of the crew trailed after him like a stray dog. He’d been trying his very best to ignore them, praying that he lost them in the halls, deliberately taking the most confusing path to the kitchenette. The music of the advertisement is dramatic, like someone’s slamming a rubber chicken against the keys of an organ, and the ad fades to a shot full of nothing but dark rose petals.

LADIES, TIME TO STEP ASIDE!

GENTLEMEN, HURRY AND APPLY IF YOU WANT A CHANCE TO FIND TRUE LOVE WITH OUR NEW BACHELOR!!

Apply online at: [www.bachelorjapan/apply.com.jp](http://www.bachelorjapan/apply.com.jp)

Then it finishes, and the crack-pot theory video about a manga he was currently catching up on starts playing. It all fades away as Yuuri stares off into space.

The next time, it’s on the side of the bus he needs to catch. Thankfully it’s not a picture of him or anything that is staring out at the world. It’s just the bachelor logo, with a picture of a group of men all dressed up and turned away. Each has a rose in their hand.

THE BACHELOR JAPAN, COMING SOON! Gentlemen, take a chance at true love with our mysterious bachelor! Apply online at: [www.bachelorjapan/apply.com.jp](http://www.bachelorjapan/apply.com.jp) Registration closes midnight, Valentine’s Day!

“I haven’t agreed to anything!” Yuuri screams as he watches the four by three meter monstrosity draw closer to him. He starts desperately looking around at everyone else, scared that they might somehow connect the vague advertisement with him, but they haven’t even batted an eyelid.

Yuuri boards the bus and resolutely sits on the opposite side of the bus. To his horror he discovers there is an identical ad there as well.

It’s gone too far. Yuuri opens his conversation with Phicit, their messages from that morning about home renovations glowing tauntingly at him. Yuuri starts typing with a fury never seen before.

_ABSOLUTELY NOT I AM NOT BEING YOUR BACHELOR. FORGET IT. I DON’T APPRECIATE ANY OF THIS PEER PRESURE PHICHITTTTT!!!!! >:(   >:( _

Phichit responds in two seconds flat.

_Yuuuuurrriiiii_

5 seconds later:

_It will be good for you. Forced socialisation. It’s only going to be two weeks of promo and five of the actual show! Every fourth day of shooting will be a rest day, so you’ll get to enjoy the beautiful Izu mountains and ocean. Who would say no to being PAID to live in a mansion and sail around on yachts??!!_

His phone buzzes with another message almost instantly.

_We’re only accepting twelve contestants, and we’re giving you three double eliminations._

_After that you get complete radio silence to be “alone” with your “beloved”, and then in a few months it will air and you’ll make some tasteful appearances at high-profile events. Then that’s it! Come on, it’s the easiest 77 million yen you’re ever going to earn. Yuuurrriiiiii pleeeaassee preettyyy plllleeeeaaaaassseeee if you don’t I’ll send THOSE pictures to YOU KNOW WHO. Don’t think I won’t. I’m doing this for your own good._

Yuuri gasped, a hand actually flying up to cover his mouth. How could Phichit say that!? Was his friend determined to ruin is life one way or the other?

_PHICIT NO_

_I’m going to get dinner and come over, so we can talk about this sensibly. What do you want, ramen?_

_I want you to go to that Italian place and get me the most expensive take away meal they have. Only then will I THINK about letting you into my house. TRAITOR._

_Yuuuurrrriiiiiiii :(((((( This is a once in a life time opportunity._

_One in a life time opportunity to burn my career to the ground_

_GASP. The opposite, Yuuri! You’ll never be asked if your lost while at your own speaking event every again._

_That only happened four time, okay. I attend a lot of events, okay. Of course that’s going to happen a few times._

-

In the end, Yuuri gives in. It does sound nice when you ignore the whole televised aspect of it. He can’t ignore what goes unspoken by his friend – this could be a real career milestone for Phichit. He’ll be moved from an assistant director to the head director on account of being on such good terms with their ‘talent’ and instrumental to the ‘development process’.

Phichit cc’s him in all the emails about what the dates are going to be and some of them actually look pretty nice. Dinner on a yacht? Swimming with dolphins? Hot air balloon ride at sunrise? Puppies? Mountain trails? Picnic’s by a waterfall? Hot springs? Oh, how Yuuri missed being able to sink into a hot spring whenever he wanted.

Plus there is the whole ‘gonna send those videos if ya don’t’ threat. He really never had much of a choice in the end, did he?

A company car arrives to pick him up at 4:00 am on a Wednesday morning. Phichit told him not to dress up, since the costume department will be taking care of it ‘on the set’. Yuuri very happily took him up on that, sleep walking into the car still in his pyjamas. He knocks straight back out into dreamland as the car takes him to the Mori Art Museum.

It’s Phichit who yanks his out from the backseat, drool down one cheek and all.

“Look alive Yuuri! We’ve only got half an hour tops until sunrise starts. Ohmahgawd, someone _please_ , take him to hair and make-up - and tell costumes it’s time!”

Yuuri gets led by the hand into the tower and shoved into the corner of the elevator. Once they got to the top floor, he is taken out and dropped into a chair. There he closes his eyes and naps as someone brushes his hair out and a pair of women debate over whether he would look better in red or blue.

It’s a nicer way to wake up.  Brushes as soft as silk gliding over his face and the gentle press of a cup of coffee into his hand. Yuuri blinks fully awake in time to notice the wardrobe ladies discreetly checking their collection of ties against his skin tone.

“All done with him Ichika? We need to get the boy out of his pyjamas soon.” The one who had been brushing his hair mutters something bizarre about unfair men with silky hair and starts packing her equipment away.

The ladies press a collection of clothing into his hands and tell him to change quickly. He goes into the public bathrooms that are no longer public since the studio booked the whole level for the shoot. He puts on grey trousers made out of something soft, tailored to keep slim to the leg. The pockets are nice on it, Yuuri notes. He’s got a simple belt to go with it and a white button up dress shirt. The buttons are those hidden sort, where the fabric goes over them so you can’t see anything but the seam. It buttons all the way up to his throat with a mandarin collar. He pulls on dusty red socks and shiny leather shoes. He shoulders the red-black-white patterned sweater on as an afterthought while walking out of the bathroom.

The women readjust everything on him once he comes out, they even have little hand-held irons that they used to get everything absolutely precise. Yuuri mumbles that he’ll probably mess their work up as soon as they step away. They laugh at him and start talking about someone’s kid who’s just started at kindergarten.

Next he’s led to the other side of the observation deck to where the camera crew has set up for the shoot. Apparently, this is going to be a ‘great shot’ because he looks ‘absolutely smoking during sunrise and sunset. Did you know that Yuuri? You look smokin!’

Phichit tells him to lean up against the railing and he does. The shoot’s director than produces a bowl of katsudon from who knows where and informs Yuuri he can have it once he’s done a good job with the shoot. Phichit then very rudely places the bowl in plain view of Yuuri. It’s torture. He can see the steam coming off of it. He can even smell it. Is his mouth watering?

He looks over the gorgeous view of sleeping Tokyo for about fifteen solid minutes while they get multiple different angles, then he’s told to just relax and lean while they adjust their cameras to the new light now that the sun is starting to peek over the horizon. Phichit says something about the clouds being perfect, but Yuuri blocks the bane of his existence out by scrolling through his phone.

Once 5:40am rolls around, it’s time for the interview. Wardrobe re-irons his clothes and Phichit finally gives him his luke-warm katsudon. A plush lounge chair materialises from nowhere, one that he happily collapses into.

“So, Katsuki Yuuri… Dr. Katsuki Yuuri… why did you agree to become the bachelor?” Yuuri glares at Phichit and wonders if this is a trick questions.

-

Victor double taps Phichit Chulamont’s latest post absentmindedly. The cute media mongrel is dressed up against the chill and snuggling a bag of take-out, the light of a shop’s window display serves as the only lightning – creating frankly fantastic shadows.

“Shoot at 4am this morning! The things we do to catch a sunrise. Keep an eye out in the coming weeks when this one goes to air – I’ve got a good feeling!!!” Accompanying this is a rich icing of emojis. Strangely a large portion of them are roses and winking faces.

That was at 10pm. Now it’s morning and Victor is on his way to the Yubileyny Sports Palace. Phichit Chulamont has posted two more in that time.

One is inconsequential on its own. It’s one of the rare ones where Phichit posts in Japanese. It seems to be a picture of a television show’s run sheet. It’s all in Japanese. Instagram offers to translate and he accepts, wishing technology was great enough to translate the kanji on the paper in the photo as well.

Director!!! Thankful for this responsibility I will work further to enhance. Will completing one that is very different from the current one! I have also begun to undertake work for that. A show of this importance has received a lot of reception - cannot wait to perform! “The work of the original has yet to be realised this time” – kind producers. Let’s all make this a great programme together! I will stand up, stayed good night. Yours humbly m (_ _) m #singlemalejapan #prepareyourself

It was deduced by him, while shaking snow from his coat in the lobby, that Phichit must have been made director of some new project. It seemed to be quite popular, given all the screaming and hearts in the comments along with the larger than usual amount of likes and shares.

Victor flicked to the next image and instantly froze in his snow removal. The hashtags were the only parts in Japanese this time.

“My new talent is very tired after the early morning. Was awake just long enough to inhale two handfuls of chips before tripping over his own lounge and falling asleep on it! LOL! His dog’s just happy he’s home #thecutest”

The image managed to capture the entire back of a two-seater couch. A pair of yellow socks were poking out one end with messy black hair spilling over the armrest on the other. The face of the person in the picture was turned away, hiding any features. If that wasn’t enough, their head was hidden behind the black nose and extremely fluffy face of a dog who was also resting their head on the arm rest.

Victor knew that dog, just by the snout and a fraction of the face, he knew that dog. He knew the apartment as well, the smooth wooden floors and the window that was just out of shot, a beautiful view of the city’s skyline visible as it looked over the roof of the neighbours and their collection of giant pots containing semi-mature fruit trees.

Victor re-reads the caption. He then scrolls back up to the previous post.

Victor frowns in intense thought.

He scrolls back.

Phichit obviously doesn’t expect anyone to notice. He’s instagram is a literal flood of photos, the old ones being buried by the new, images fading from existence when faced with the onslaught. What’s one wide framed shot of some yellow socks?

He obviously did not factor in Victor. A man who has followed him for years religiously, _purely_ for the purpose of Yuuri. He is dangerously close to printing out any post that so much as _references_ Yuuri and pinning them up on his wall, running string between them in the dead of night and alternating between cackling manically in the light of a swinging lightbulb and ugly crying of the fact that he wishes _he_ was Yuuri’s best friend. Let’s be real with at least himself here, he wishes he was Yuuri’s trophy husband – but he’ll meet him halfway at best friend in a heartbeat.

Victor puts ‘new project’ ‘4am shoot for new show’ ‘yuuri tired from an early morning the same time phitchit had one’ and makes some rough equations. He even zooms in on the logo of the takeout Phichit was snuggling at 4am and finds that, yes, that restaurant does in fact serve katsudon. He looks into what this #singlemalejapan is and… oh…

_Bachelor Japan_.

Victor isn’t sure what to do with all this information.

He walks to his office in a daze.


End file.
